Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
