I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
