I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize