I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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