it was like having sex with a tree stump
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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