I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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