Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
