My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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