I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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