I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
