I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
