It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
