He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize