i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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