Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
