yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
