I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
