I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
