I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
