remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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