I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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