dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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