There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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