apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
