I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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