Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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