Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
