Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
