it wasn't lemon gatorade
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
