I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
