My Higher Power is John Stamos
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you will always have a special place in my vag
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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