apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
