i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
