I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
