The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it glows. i had to have it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
