I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
