YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
