she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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