I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
