so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
