I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
