I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
