I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
