Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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