come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
