My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
