I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
