Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
