peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
