Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
