Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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