i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
