Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
