watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
