i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
