I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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