i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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