Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
