you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
