So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
